Been long since I logged into this space.
All this time has been nothing short of amazing, I can't deny that S and I have had our fair share of issues and disagreements, but all's well ends well. Sadly, recently, my place seems to have been taken over, by his car.
I might have dropped a few hints here and there about my unhappiness, but I've never really put it explicitly in words. To another, my unhappiness about an inanimate object may be pretty damn ridiculous, but in all honesty, it's fucking me up pretty badly I must say, I'm surprised.
I've been trying to take baby steps, to accepting that I may not be a priority (at this point in time), to realising that there are other more important things than love (well, not really, because it's human instinct to love and want to be loved), to trusting that one day S will make it up to me. But nothing, and I really mean nothing, is in my favour at all.
One day, I'm afraid, I will lash out at S, over his car. Every single day, all I hear is, "Sorry I can't meet you after work, I'm going to JB to pump petrol / Sorry I can't meet you even though I'm up early, I'm going to get my car done." I am sick of hearing about this and that, and I know, I will blow up someday.
Honestly, if having a car meant having to work more just to support the car, having to meet less just to do up the car, I'd rather not have the car. I'm sorry if this seems like selfishness on my part, but if our relationship is at stake, and S is okay with it, I know where I stand.
I want to get a job. A part of me wants to help S with the car, because it pains me to see him work so hard, but at the same time, me getting a job would mean less time together. What can I do?
I choose to place my trust in S, that he will make it up to me. But how? But when? Will he have the chance to? I can't help but doubt. 2 days ago, when he said he'll bring me to JB this weekend, I was glad that we're finally gonna spend some alone time together, and then reality hits me. I was right, I told V that it'll probably not happen, and true enough, he told me today that we won't be going. But we will next week, to do up his car. DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY FEEL MY FRUSTRATION?
Sometimes I want to just scream at S, because I know how readily he'll let me go, how readily he'll move on if he lets me go.
To S, if you ever get to read this in the future, I often ponder over the same old questions. Do I not trust you, or do you not trust me? Are you not my priority, or am I not your priority? Are you scared of losing me, at all? Reassurance can only do this much, your actions prove otherwise. I just wish you knew, how it's tearing me apart and how I wish we were who we were, on the 7th of October 2012. That, was the best time of my life. The best.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Sunday, 7 April 2013
The love of my life.
The last time I actually blogged was in January, 3 months ago, when I was still a drifter, pretty much lost, but not so much alone. No clue or idea on school, but I am glad I put my fears aside and finally gave myself a chance at school again, all thanks to you.
You gave me the courage to step up, to do what I never had the confidence to.
You reminded me that you will always be there for me, even if no one believed in me.
You assured me that I am better than I think I am, even when I couldn't believe in myself.
Tonight, when you told me, "I think I am sure you are the love of my life. And I hope that I am right.", I teared up. Granted, I am too emotional for my own good, perhaps way more than I should be. I have always been strong on the outside, I seldom cry in front of others, unless I know they'd never judge me for it, or for a reason legit enough. Else, I never will. But tonight, I did. I teared up in front of my ex-colleagues. I laid my head on S's shoulders and I cried. The tears just kept flowing, but when I read your text again, D pointed out, "You're smiling, Ally. But why the fuck are you crying?" And I finally truly opened up to them. I said, "Stephen makes me feel the way no one else does. I love him, and I want him to be happy. Even if I have to make sacrifices, as long as I can keep this relationship going, I'm happy if he's happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never said anything like that about my relationships to anyone, not even V. I've never been so sure about someone. I've never loved someone the way I love you. I've never found myself crying tears of happiness over a text. But when you came along, you changed everything.
The tears I cried were tears of happiness, of bliss, of being in love, of having found you. But all of a sudden, a screenshot of your messages with M, on your Facebook came to my mind. You told her one day you're gonna marry her, because she makes you happy. And I realised, I am not indispensable. Everything that I have done for you, can do for you and will do for you, another girl can too, perhaps even better than I can. What do I have that can make you stay? Am I good enough?
I'm scared, not of the commitment, which most people are afraid of, but I am afraid when I think of how easily you can just leave and take this happiness away with you.
You gave me the courage to step up, to do what I never had the confidence to.
You reminded me that you will always be there for me, even if no one believed in me.
You assured me that I am better than I think I am, even when I couldn't believe in myself.
Tonight, when you told me, "I think I am sure you are the love of my life. And I hope that I am right.", I teared up. Granted, I am too emotional for my own good, perhaps way more than I should be. I have always been strong on the outside, I seldom cry in front of others, unless I know they'd never judge me for it, or for a reason legit enough. Else, I never will. But tonight, I did. I teared up in front of my ex-colleagues. I laid my head on S's shoulders and I cried. The tears just kept flowing, but when I read your text again, D pointed out, "You're smiling, Ally. But why the fuck are you crying?" And I finally truly opened up to them. I said, "Stephen makes me feel the way no one else does. I love him, and I want him to be happy. Even if I have to make sacrifices, as long as I can keep this relationship going, I'm happy if he's happy. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I've never said anything like that about my relationships to anyone, not even V. I've never been so sure about someone. I've never loved someone the way I love you. I've never found myself crying tears of happiness over a text. But when you came along, you changed everything.
The tears I cried were tears of happiness, of bliss, of being in love, of having found you. But all of a sudden, a screenshot of your messages with M, on your Facebook came to my mind. You told her one day you're gonna marry her, because she makes you happy. And I realised, I am not indispensable. Everything that I have done for you, can do for you and will do for you, another girl can too, perhaps even better than I can. What do I have that can make you stay? Am I good enough?
I'm scared, not of the commitment, which most people are afraid of, but I am afraid when I think of how easily you can just leave and take this happiness away with you.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
The playground.
Today, we had 15 minutes left before you had to leave for work, and you stopped by the playground, of which holds memories that's always lingering at the back of my mind, but yet seldom spoken of.
The first time at the playground; The very morning before you left for Aussie for training, after you picked me up from work at Attica. At the point in time, I was unsure, unsure of where this relationship is going, unsure of how to break the news that we are dating to a close friend, unsure of how I am gonna get through 3 weeks without you. As you held my hand in yours, I asked, "Why do you look so stressed out?" You said, "I am scared that you're gonna give up on us." And at that moment, I knew, there was no way I am letting you go. This is one memory that I will always hold close to heart.
The second time at the playground; The night you got drunk after drinking with the fellow Attica colleagues. You were at a loss, you had no idea at all how to approach the topic you wanted to confront me about and when you finally did, everything went downhill. You brought up your insecurities about my ex, you talked about how affected you were knowing that we were still hanging out. At that time, I was still this pampered girl, which you possibly had no intentions of changing, that you were so afraid of losing. I asked, "So you're gonna give up on us because of that?" thrice, and you kept your silence. We left things at where they were and headed home after. This is one memory I don't want to remember, but I will, simply because I made a huge mistake, of which I only realised now. You always had insecurities and trust issues, but I never gave much thought to it. I seldom made the extra effort to reassure you, I continued doing what I did and that, caused a strain on our relationship. If you ever see this, I'm sorry, for failing to give you the peace of mind, for having betrayed your trust, for disregarding these issues as part and parcel of a relationship. If we can go back to that night, I'd hug you tightly and promise you, that for as long as we are together, I'll never do anything to destroy what we have.
The third time at the playground; Today. You said it's been awhile since we last went to the playground. We weren't talking about anything serious, until when you had to leave, and then you said. "You're the 3rd girl that I've brought back home for Chinese New Year. You don't know the first, the second was M, and you're the 3rd. There was a year that I was alone, because I was single. But I want to tell you that, I want you to be the girl that they'll be seeing for the subsequent years after, okay?" You have no idea how much that meant to me, and in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.
With love, A
The first time at the playground; The very morning before you left for Aussie for training, after you picked me up from work at Attica. At the point in time, I was unsure, unsure of where this relationship is going, unsure of how to break the news that we are dating to a close friend, unsure of how I am gonna get through 3 weeks without you. As you held my hand in yours, I asked, "Why do you look so stressed out?" You said, "I am scared that you're gonna give up on us." And at that moment, I knew, there was no way I am letting you go. This is one memory that I will always hold close to heart.
The second time at the playground; The night you got drunk after drinking with the fellow Attica colleagues. You were at a loss, you had no idea at all how to approach the topic you wanted to confront me about and when you finally did, everything went downhill. You brought up your insecurities about my ex, you talked about how affected you were knowing that we were still hanging out. At that time, I was still this pampered girl, which you possibly had no intentions of changing, that you were so afraid of losing. I asked, "So you're gonna give up on us because of that?" thrice, and you kept your silence. We left things at where they were and headed home after. This is one memory I don't want to remember, but I will, simply because I made a huge mistake, of which I only realised now. You always had insecurities and trust issues, but I never gave much thought to it. I seldom made the extra effort to reassure you, I continued doing what I did and that, caused a strain on our relationship. If you ever see this, I'm sorry, for failing to give you the peace of mind, for having betrayed your trust, for disregarding these issues as part and parcel of a relationship. If we can go back to that night, I'd hug you tightly and promise you, that for as long as we are together, I'll never do anything to destroy what we have.
The third time at the playground; Today. You said it's been awhile since we last went to the playground. We weren't talking about anything serious, until when you had to leave, and then you said. "You're the 3rd girl that I've brought back home for Chinese New Year. You don't know the first, the second was M, and you're the 3rd. There was a year that I was alone, because I was single. But I want to tell you that, I want you to be the girl that they'll be seeing for the subsequent years after, okay?" You have no idea how much that meant to me, and in that moment, I swear, we were infinite.
With love, A
Monday, 28 January 2013
Don't be a Dick at the Coffee Shop.
Reading this article really sets me thinking and it's so close to heart in so many ways: http://www.xojane.com/issues/dont-be-a-dick-at-the-coffee-shop
People who frequent coffee joints should really read this, or people who frequent coffee joints not for the coffee, but for the food, as well.
I've been there, done that. The people I meet sometimes are simply incorrigible, too fucking much for me to handle. And when that happens, I really do squat down behind the counter, for a couple of seconds, breathe and remind myself that it is part of my job to educate these ignorant assholes.
In fact, to me, Chye Seng Huat Hardware Coffee Bar is known for our coffee, not for our food. When I read random blog reviews on CSHH, simply saying "the coffee is good, but there is small variety of food and it isn't that good" and then said author goes on a rant about the food. Honestly, if you're looking for fine-dining standard food, go somewhere else. That being said, you've the right to comment on our food (which btw, I do love most of the food on our menu), but discouraging others to visit the joint based on the food is not a good enough reason.
Plus, people who comment on the coffee being "sour" or "acidic" being the right word, do in fact need to understand the taste profiles of the coffee beans first. Most African beans are brighter, so don't come telling us, the coffee is bad because it's sour.
Also, don't tell us how to make our coffees, because if you knew better, you'd be at coffee school giving classes, or in fact, brewing your own coffee at home. If you didn't know water/milk that is too hot burns the coffee and destroys the taste, don't tell us how to brew our coffee or that the coffee isn't hot enough. The baristas do make mistakes, but honestly, that happens perhaps once in a million times.
I love my job, and recently, I've learnt. Service is important, but educating the consumers' on their choices and on what we do, triumphs that.
That being said, I wish S would understand my love for coffee, the satisfaction I get from doing things I am good at, and the appreciation I receive from customers when they take time to simple say "Thank you for the coffee, it's great."
People who frequent coffee joints should really read this, or people who frequent coffee joints not for the coffee, but for the food, as well.
I've been there, done that. The people I meet sometimes are simply incorrigible, too fucking much for me to handle. And when that happens, I really do squat down behind the counter, for a couple of seconds, breathe and remind myself that it is part of my job to educate these ignorant assholes.
In fact, to me, Chye Seng Huat Hardware Coffee Bar is known for our coffee, not for our food. When I read random blog reviews on CSHH, simply saying "the coffee is good, but there is small variety of food and it isn't that good" and then said author goes on a rant about the food. Honestly, if you're looking for fine-dining standard food, go somewhere else. That being said, you've the right to comment on our food (which btw, I do love most of the food on our menu), but discouraging others to visit the joint based on the food is not a good enough reason.
Plus, people who comment on the coffee being "sour" or "acidic" being the right word, do in fact need to understand the taste profiles of the coffee beans first. Most African beans are brighter, so don't come telling us, the coffee is bad because it's sour.
Also, don't tell us how to make our coffees, because if you knew better, you'd be at coffee school giving classes, or in fact, brewing your own coffee at home. If you didn't know water/milk that is too hot burns the coffee and destroys the taste, don't tell us how to brew our coffee or that the coffee isn't hot enough. The baristas do make mistakes, but honestly, that happens perhaps once in a million times.
I love my job, and recently, I've learnt. Service is important, but educating the consumers' on their choices and on what we do, triumphs that.
That being said, I wish S would understand my love for coffee, the satisfaction I get from doing things I am good at, and the appreciation I receive from customers when they take time to simple say "Thank you for the coffee, it's great."
Saturday, 26 January 2013
For the rest of my life.
Everyday when I wake up in the morning, I know that no matter what happens, I'm sure that I can go home to someone who truly cares about me. Sometimes, I forget the importance of having a cheerleader, someone who's unfailingly, unwaveringly and unfalteringly on my team, until I don't have it anymore. Having you is akin to walking around with a security blanket, a safety net, knowing that you'll always be there to catch me when I fall. Having you is akin to living life with a shock-absorber, knowing that you'll always be there to share the pain of the difficult-to-stomach moments in life. This is a luxury, a luxury that sometimes I am too quick to convince myself it will last forever. This is a constant, a constant that sometimes I take for granted.
A question you always ask me is; Why do you love me? Believe me when I say, my heart was the one that skipped a beat when I received a text from you that simply read "Hi!" that faithful morning, not a long time ago - When you took my breath away, leaving me completely and utterly amazed when I am around you. And it still does every time we meet. I am vulnerably strong, afraid yet courageous. When you breathe near me, when you speak to me, when you look at me and when you touch me, I am certain that this is the sigh I want to hear, the voice I want to listen, the eyes I want to see and the hand I want to hold for the rest of my life. And this is how I know I love you.
Maybe my love is not enough for you, maybe that's why you doubt it. Maybe you need or want another form of security, maybe something that will always go according to plan, possibly something that you don't have to step out of your comfort zone. But sunshine, let your heart speak and not your mind. Love us without restrictions and let it live, because I love you and I hope you feel the same too.
Remember, falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience, the euphoria of love will fade after some time but it is up to you to decide who you let walk away and who you let stay. Love isn't about finding the right person, it is about learning to love the person you found. Love takes effort and time, but you're not alone, you'll always have me and I'll keep working on it, because I know we are worth it.
A question you always ask me is; Why do you love me? Believe me when I say, my heart was the one that skipped a beat when I received a text from you that simply read "Hi!" that faithful morning, not a long time ago - When you took my breath away, leaving me completely and utterly amazed when I am around you. And it still does every time we meet. I am vulnerably strong, afraid yet courageous. When you breathe near me, when you speak to me, when you look at me and when you touch me, I am certain that this is the sigh I want to hear, the voice I want to listen, the eyes I want to see and the hand I want to hold for the rest of my life. And this is how I know I love you.
Maybe my love is not enough for you, maybe that's why you doubt it. Maybe you need or want another form of security, maybe something that will always go according to plan, possibly something that you don't have to step out of your comfort zone. But sunshine, let your heart speak and not your mind. Love us without restrictions and let it live, because I love you and I hope you feel the same too.
Remember, falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience, the euphoria of love will fade after some time but it is up to you to decide who you let walk away and who you let stay. Love isn't about finding the right person, it is about learning to love the person you found. Love takes effort and time, but you're not alone, you'll always have me and I'll keep working on it, because I know we are worth it.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
143 days.
I wonder if he keeps track, it's been 143 days since we started dating; 143 days since that subtle night in which we both let our guards down; 143 days since I thought I'd never see him for who he is. But it didn't take me long to realise how wrong and privileged I was, that he'd give me a glimpse of the other side of him, that he'd give me a chance of a lifetime to discover more of him.
143 days was all it took me to realise, he's amazing, he's perfect, he's everything I wanted the one to be, he is more. He's rare. In the late night conversations in which I've told him so much, I wish I've also told him how much I wanted him to be the first I loved, because I know he wouldn't hurt me like the other did.
But he isn't, and I'm broken, unlike him. And he deserves so much, he deserves someone who's like that, someone who's intact, someone's untainted, someone who can love him more than I do, the way he deserves to be loved.
Today, he's my best friend, my lover, my sunshine, and that one person I trust wholeheartedly and will root for unconditionally.
"Why do you keep staring at me?"
"Because I want to remember every fine line, every detail, etched in my memory always. Because I want to remember the adorable half-smile, the deep-set eyes, the scars, and I want to tell you, this is who I fell in love with." -- The words never spoken.
143 days was all it took me to realise, he's amazing, he's perfect, he's everything I wanted the one to be, he is more. He's rare. In the late night conversations in which I've told him so much, I wish I've also told him how much I wanted him to be the first I loved, because I know he wouldn't hurt me like the other did.
But he isn't, and I'm broken, unlike him. And he deserves so much, he deserves someone who's like that, someone who's intact, someone's untainted, someone who can love him more than I do, the way he deserves to be loved.
Today, he's my best friend, my lover, my sunshine, and that one person I trust wholeheartedly and will root for unconditionally.
"Why do you keep staring at me?"
"Because I want to remember every fine line, every detail, etched in my memory always. Because I want to remember the adorable half-smile, the deep-set eyes, the scars, and I want to tell you, this is who I fell in love with." -- The words never spoken.
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