The pent-up frustration.

Been long since I logged into this space.

All this time has been nothing short of amazing, I can't deny that S and I have had our fair share of issues and disagreements, but all's well ends well. Sadly, recently, my place seems to have been taken over, by his car.

I might have dropped a few hints here and there about my unhappiness, but I've never really put it explicitly in words. To another, my unhappiness about an inanimate object may be pretty damn ridiculous, but in all honesty, it's fucking me up pretty badly I must say, I'm surprised.

I've been trying to take baby steps, to accepting that I may not be a priority (at this point in time), to realising that there are other more important things than love (well, not really, because it's human instinct to love and want to be loved), to trusting that one day S will make it up to me. But nothing, and I really mean nothing, is in my favour at all.

One day, I'm afraid, I will lash out at S, over his car. Every single day, all I hear is, "Sorry I can't meet you after work, I'm going to JB to pump petrol / Sorry I can't meet you even though I'm up early, I'm going to get my car done." I am sick of hearing about this and that, and I know, I will blow up someday.

Honestly, if having a car meant having to work more just to support the car, having to meet less just to do up the car, I'd rather not have the car. I'm sorry if this seems like selfishness on my part, but if our relationship is at stake, and S is okay with it, I know where I stand.

I want to get a job. A part of me wants to help S with the car, because it pains me to see him work so hard, but at the same time, me getting a job would mean less time together. What can I do?

I choose to place my trust in S, that he will make it up to me. But how? But when? Will he have the chance to? I can't help but doubt. 2 days ago, when he said he'll bring me to JB this weekend, I was glad that we're finally gonna spend some alone time together, and then reality hits me. I was right, I told V that it'll probably not happen, and true enough, he told me today that we won't be going. But we will next week, to do up his car. DOES ANYBODY ACTUALLY FEEL MY FRUSTRATION?

Sometimes I want to just scream at S, because I know how readily he'll let me go, how readily he'll move on if he lets me go.

To S, if you ever get to read this in the future, I often ponder over the same old questions. Do I not trust you, or do you not trust me? Are you not my priority, or am I not your priority? Are you scared of losing me, at all? Reassurance can only do this much, your actions prove otherwise. I just wish you knew, how it's tearing me apart and how I wish we were who we were, on the 7th of October 2012. That, was the best time of my life. The best.