For my best friend.

V, I know you are reading this. And as agreed, we're each drafting a post on what we'd say if we died tomorrow. Here you go, this is what I'd say if you died tomorrow.

(Of course, I'd start with the whole what are best friends for, what having a best friend means, y'know. People like that crap at funerals, gets them thinking.)

"I know it's called best friend for a reason. But if there is more than one person in the world that you love, you can always have two, or three, or more. I never believed in having just one best friend, but that does not mean that losing one of them hurts any lesser. In fact, it hurts more than anything in the world to lose a confidante, a keeper of my secrets, almost like losing a part of me.

I can't recall when we started being best friends, it just happened. Honestly, when I first met you, I never thought we'd be best friends, but that was before I knew the bitchy side of you. Before I realized it, we were letting each other in on our deepest, darkest secrets, things we'd never tell anyone else, things we'd rather hide from people, things we'd keep to ourselves because we thought no one will understand. Becoming your best friend was almost like falling in love (so gay, I know), not knowing when or how it started, but yet finding myself having one hell of a rollercoaster ride with you.

Sometimes I ask myself, what makes you my best friend, and not anyone else?
We're best friends because we don't talk everyday, but when we do, it's almost like we were still at where we left off. It was that easy to get a conversation going, to pick up at where we stopped. We've lives to lead outside of each other, and we respect that. We text when we don't really have the time, we meet when we have the time.
We're best friends because we put up with each other's nonsense so well, it actually bothers me why I allow myself to. Let's admit it, I wouldn't send that duck face selfie to anyone else and you wouldn't send that face forehead full of pimples to anyone else. But we'd totally send that to each other, without a second thought. Because I know, you will put up with my uncool selfie and you know, I will put up with your acne-filled face, I mean, why not? I get to laugh at you one entire day for that.
We're best friends because we tell each other the truth, without sugar-coating it. But of course, with a little tact. We've always been honest with each other, whether it's about a haircut or a life decision. We give our honest opinions, no judging.
We're best friends because you love me even when I'm almost impossible to love. You know those times when I'm on my period? Or when I'm just going on and on and on about the same damn thing my boyfriend is doing that is pissing me off? Or those times when I hate the world, because, why not?
We're best friends because we've both seen the ugliest sides of each other and didn't mind at all. You, crouched on the ground in the carpark of Helipad, puking your guts out the entire night and waking up looking like shit? And me, bawling my eyes out in my bed, sans make up, with no appetite to eat? We've been there and look, we're still here. Well, not really. I am, and you're gone. But only physically, I promise I won't forget you.

I wish you were still around, who doesn't?

I am so thankful to have you in my life. For all the times I needed someone to stroke my hair, to hear me rant, to watch me cry, to hold my hand, to walk me through, to keep me sane. You were always there, whether you were a bloody 3821 miles away in Brisbane, or a mere 16.2km away in Tampines.

Having you meant keeping in touch via Skype, with you being two hours ahead, compressing three months of our lives into a two hour conversation each time. Having you meant maintaining a level of intimacy I don't share with anyone else, even my boyfriend. Having you meant giving you the liberty of having the occasional jabs at my ego, but yet not getting back at you or hating you for it, because I get to do it to you too. Having you meant bloody long walks from one end of town to another, doing absolutely nothing productive. Having you meant shouting song lyrics at the top of my voice in a bar, half-drunk, but happy. They weren't much, but they were memories I'd keep so close to me, even if it meant waking up at unearthly hours to reply your texts, hearing you tell me about your crazy ex, allowing you to take digs at me, walking till I get blisters and making a fool of myself, because it was with you. What we had with each other, I couldn't have with anyone else.

Perhaps if you weren't so special, losing you wouldn't even hurt half as much. But if I had to choose, I'd choose you (Pokemon style) all over again. I love you, best friend, tough love, but I always have and I always will.

Love, A

The Girl You Loved Is Gone

Today I walked the streets of town alone, yet not lonely. I smiled when I realized how beautiful life truly is. People brushed past me and rain falling down on me.

In that infinite moment, I recognized liberation.

I felt alive, with the physical touch of every stranger; a timely reminder that life is transient. I felt alive, with every pelt of raindrop; a timely reminder that life is fleeting. Every moment, elapsed, is every moment, gone. I know, I wasn’t over you, I was over the person I thought I was, when I was in love with you.

The girl you loved, she is somewhere in the people you meet, she is somewhere in the buildings you enter, she is somewhere in the streets you pass. She is everywhere. She is undeniably a part of your life now, but yet distinctly absent.

She’s gone.

I have travelled further, than I ever thought I could. I persisted. I survived. The life you imposed on me, I did not like it, but I decided to change it. I transformed my heartache into a worthwhile existence. I altered my feelings into a motivating force. The desecrated mess you left me in, is now substituted with relief and respite, bringing life to the dreams and to the people I relinquished, although with much regret.

I’m sorry, but the girl who held your hand through your darkest moments, who cried with you through your toughest ordeals, who rejoiced with you through your littlest victories, who walked with you through your most insignificant milestones, she ceased to exist in that moment you gave up on her, on us.

Pain was never something I wanted you to feel, but you deserve to know the truth. If you are still searching for answers, understand that one day you will wake up, changed. One day you will be strong enough to walk away, you will be wise enough to search for better, you will be happy enough to be alone, but not lonely.

The fears and the inhibitions are no longer a part of me. I trusted my heart and I went on my way, in my own company. I always will, until the one who loves me for who I am, comes along.  

The girl you loved may be gone, and another that takes her place will be scarred and far from perfect, but I promise, she will believe in love again, like you will.

Love, Al

An Open Letter To You, The Friend I Lost

This coming April 2015, we'd have been friends for 6 years.

I still remember when we were so close, you were always there for me. You were there during my countless fights with A, during the time I took up a job at Marbleslab, during the time I broke up with A, during my first trip overseas with my friends, during orientation in the first week of school, during the time I thought I fell for G and so many other times when I needed a friend. You were there. Do you remember how we were?

But somewhere along the way, we drifted apart. I became best of friends with V, and you, you became just another friend, almost non-existent.

I finally found time today, to sit down and think through everything that has happened between us. And I realized, we can never be like before, ever. Things were simple, but we chose to complicate it.

Perhaps things started going downhill when you found out that J was constantly texting me and calling me back in the days in TP. My relationship with A then, was pretty much an open relationship. As long as we never crossed the boundaries of emotional or physical cheating, all's good between us. That is exactly the reason why most of my close friends consisted mainly of boys. And we were communicating so much, because of you. He wanted to get through to you, but you shut him out, cut him off. I did what any friend will do, but I made a mistake. I never explained it to you.

Perhaps things started going downhill when you started dating G, after I kinda sorta had a thing going on with him. You have always had low self-esteem and no confidence in yourself. And I added to it.

Perhaps things started going downhill when I started working at Attica, through your recommendation. I'd never have gotten the job without you, and I hope you know, I never meant to replace you on the job. I did what I could, as part of my job, to respect my superiors then. I did my best on the job (occasionally getting pissed drunk which I really shouldn't have) and I don't know, but perhaps to you, I did what I did to replace you. But that was never my intention.

Perhaps things started going downhill when I started dating S, without telling you, despite knowing you had a thing for him. But you were with G then. I never expected myself to be the sort of girl who'd let a guy come between my girlfriends and I, but somehow, I let it happen.

To you, I never meant for any of these to happen, I never meant to hurt you (whether intentionally or unintentionally), I never meant for us to become just another forgotten part of each other's lives, I never meant for our friendship to become the way it has today. I hope you know, that you were once a great friend and even if we never speak again, I wish you well and the best things in life.

Love, Al

Memories.

Today's movie, Bad Neighbours, brought back so much crazy memories, not exactly in a good way. But I wouldn't call it bad either. How do I put this? It's the sort of thing where I was glad it happened, but if given a choice, I wouldn't do it again. Abit of an oxymoron, I don't know.

I was reminded of the crazy drinking parties I had back when I was still together with A. The usual weekends at D's place, with the rest of the secondary school boys and their +1s, which btw, not many of them has +1s. Hahaha. Puking into buckets, doing dares like drinking breast milk (freaking hilarious), walking out of the estate to get a cab back home (which was a hazard because I often found myself sitting by the roadside, refusing to move and just repeatedly shouting, "I AM FUCKING TIRED! SOMEBODY CARRY ME!" and I even got a few cuts and bruises), having complaints from neighbours, watching trippy videos. Those were the days.

I was glad those days happened, because now I can say, "Hey, I went through that phase". I know how it feels like to be dead drunk, worst feeling in the world ever, but I also know how it feels like to have the best of friends doing crazy shit with me. That said, I lost all of these friends when I ended the relationship with A. But as they always say, not everyone you lose is a loss. They chose A over me and I don't blame them because I got to know them through A. I preferred keeping to myself back in secondary school.

I can't quite decide if I want to forget or keep these memories. What I do know is, they are a part of me.

Till next time, A

Trivial.

Right now, a year and a half into the relationship, I believe arguing about whether or not I saw you wave bye to me before going into the lift has got to be the most ridiculous thing ever.

Let's face it, we're both of a decent age to get married already (but we won't be so soon). And to be fighting and having petty arguments about trivial matters isn't really gonna get us anywhere. I know, there are days when we wanna be like kids again, childish and teasing each other, all in the name of fun.

But think about it, for you to be picking a fight with me over something like that, it is no wonder that people say girls mature faster than boys. Judging from today, that sure as hell is true.

Till next time, A

The last of 2013.

Just wanted to write a little before 2013 ended, and I get swarmed with all the deadlines that I can barely celebrate Christmas in peace.

Honestly, I still cannot believe 2013 passed just like that. 2012 is still etched deeply in my mind. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the heartbreak that I went through, is unforgettable. While it no longer bothers me anymore, the reminder of how easily someone can break his promises and leave me in ruins, is constantly on my mind. I love myself enough, to walk away from a relationship that was not helping me to grow, but draining me dry, emotionally, mentally and financially. To date, that was the most painful yet most courageous decision I made. And today, a year and a half later, I can finally look back and tell myself that I made the right choice, because I've never been happier.

How S and I happened in 2012, is nothing short of a whirlwind romance, and there's no better words to describe it. Despite that, 2012 ended on a painful note, as we re-evaluated the relationship and struggled to build trust, on a foundation in ruins. After what seemed like an eternity (it was only 10 days, in fact), we decided to give the relationship another go.

And in 2013, I discovered a whole new me. One that is unafraid to take risks, to make sacrifices and to apologize when I am at fault. I have grown so much and I've learnt to be a better person with a bigger heart, not only in a relationship but in life as well. But in April, S dropped a bombshell on me. "Will you cheat on me like she did?" Another hurdle to cross, another obstacle to conquer. Trust issues, again. I found myself trying all ways and means to convince S that I am nothing like her (his ex, of course) and despite him denouncing every single one of my explanations and arguments as invalid, I kept trying. Looking back, I shouldn't have. I know my worth and I know, I will never be like her, because this time, it is our second chance. I should never have put myself out there, to be broken down like that.

We've had more than just a few "let's break up" incidents in a short one and a half years together, more contributed by me than I'd like to admit. And today, I realized, I fear commitment. It all began when I started having my own bedroom. I went from having to bid an unwilling goodnight everyday before 2359, to seeing S face every morning the first thing after I wake up and the last thing before I sleep, for almost 6 days a week. I appreciated the closeness at first, but after a month, I started feeling suffocated and I am pretty sure it was the same for S. We were living and fighting like a married couple, over who should cook and do the dishes, what time we should head to bed etc. Dating life stopped and married (well, sort of) life began.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of being so close. I let S in, so easily. I cannot help but question, will he destroy me the way I was destroyed by another. And I know, he will walk away from me as easily as he walked into my life. But underneath the fears, all I needed is consistency. I don't want to wake up one day, realizing that things have changed, S has changed.

I cling to things I love because I never want to lose them. But truth is, everything and everyone comes and goes. I break my own heart, by needing the things and people and that don't need me. I live through the hope that one day, I can have everything I have lost, or will lose. But there's no future in living in the past. I want to be able to look forward to the things and people that may come, or go.

2013 has been a year full of lessons, and through the trials and tribulations that S posed to me, I've amassed a massive amount of knowledge that no one and nothing can teach me. Only I, can find out for myself.

Along the way, I have forgotten to love myself, I put myself out there, making memories, but I have forgotten to love myself. And in 2014, I promise to love myself more, so that I can love S better. Because I no longer wish to be loved childishly. I want to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. I don't want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurity. I don't want a relationship based solely on shutting the world out and locking each other in. I want to be somewhere I can breathe, somewhere where even in the midst of a million people and a million heartbeats, I can still look to S and know that I can call him home, because home, is where the heart is.

With this relationship, I know I must earn the love, respect and kindness from S. I should expect that S will walk away, should I not provide the support and understanding he needs. We must both work hard to contribute to the relationship, we must both communicate to understand each other's needs. Above all, we must care. The fundaments of love, understanding, communicating and caring will build trust and a stronger relationship. Paradoxically, our willingness to walk away may strengthen our bond with each other, rather than being chained by obligation to a relationship, a false loyalty. Most of the time, we want everything to be okay. We don't even wish for anything marvelous, fantastic or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because okay is enough. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how I planned it to be, but just how it's meant to be.

Thank you, 2013. Here's to a greater 2014.

Love, A

Incoherent.

As I type this post, I am so overwhelmed with incoherent thoughts that I don't know where to start. 

Last night, I innocently picked up your phone, wanting to silent it so it doesn't disturb you from your sleep. But the next thing I saw, left me in a daze for awhile, before I snapped back to reality. A text message said, "Okay, goodnight, love you." 

I want to believe that there's nothing going on between you and her. I want to believe that the past month I spent with you were the best days of my life. I want to believe that you would never do anything to hurt me. I want to believe that you know better than to ruin this relationship we painstakingly built. 

The next thing I know, the tears just flowed. I got out of bed, knocked gently on C's door and entered. I lay down beside her and I said, "S has been acting weird today. He usually checks his texts even when I am beside him, but today he didn't. And he has 8 messages from 5 conversations. And while we were watching a show, his phone kept beeping. I wanted to silent it just now and I saw a text that said, okay, goodnight, love you." And I continued crying. C didn't know how to react, her first words were, "Who the fuck is this girl?! Did you talk to S? Somehow, I know S isn't doing shit behind your back." All I could manage was a weak "I don't know", before going on to tell her I don't wanna wake you because you have work tomorrow, I can handle this. But no fucking way, I can't. I knew I can't. 

I finally dropped you a text, watched a movie alone in the dark and crept back into bed at 6am. After you read my text, you got ready for work, pecked me on the cheek and left. Shortly after, I received your text explaining the text.

I have so many unanswered questions, but I am afraid to ask. Why did you keep something like that from me, knowing it can potentially ruin this relationship? Why did you not tell me the moment you had the chance to, before it got out of hand? Why do you expect me to tell you if something like were to happen to me, but yet you did not? 

You answered all of the above questions, yes you did. You claimed you did not want her to come between us, but have you considered how I felt? Did you anticipate this day and put yourself in my shoes and imagine how you'd feel if you had seen a text like that in my phone? 

I'll tell you, you'd be so fucking mad at me, no explanations is gonna suffice. Whatever you told me sounds exactly like the way I explain things to you, but no, you still wouldn't listen to me, would you? 

There's one question I did not ask, because I was afraid of the answer. If you claimed you did not reply a single one of her messages but they kept coming in, why did you pick up her call in the morning at 7am, after work? That's considered entertaining her, knowing that she is interested in you, isn't it? 

I trust that you have not done anything with her, but the very fact that you entertained her, and would never allow me to do something like that, shows the double standards in this relationship. After today, it also made me realise how afraid I am of losing you, because I'd so readily forgive you, but you'd never do the same for me. Blinded? Probably. 

This feels like the nightmare of 5 years, of which I forgave and forget, countless times, always putting myself out there for another to hurt me. And look what happened? I experienced a heartbreak I never thought I'd ever get over, and then I found you. 

I built this relationship on trust and I've chosen to put this behind me, so don't disappoint me, or it'd be the last you see of me. I will not allow myself to be hurt again, no matter how much I love you. 

Love, A