The last of 2013.

Just wanted to write a little before 2013 ended, and I get swarmed with all the deadlines that I can barely celebrate Christmas in peace.

Honestly, I still cannot believe 2013 passed just like that. 2012 is still etched deeply in my mind. The pain, the hurt, the sorrow, the heartbreak that I went through, is unforgettable. While it no longer bothers me anymore, the reminder of how easily someone can break his promises and leave me in ruins, is constantly on my mind. I love myself enough, to walk away from a relationship that was not helping me to grow, but draining me dry, emotionally, mentally and financially. To date, that was the most painful yet most courageous decision I made. And today, a year and a half later, I can finally look back and tell myself that I made the right choice, because I've never been happier.

How S and I happened in 2012, is nothing short of a whirlwind romance, and there's no better words to describe it. Despite that, 2012 ended on a painful note, as we re-evaluated the relationship and struggled to build trust, on a foundation in ruins. After what seemed like an eternity (it was only 10 days, in fact), we decided to give the relationship another go.

And in 2013, I discovered a whole new me. One that is unafraid to take risks, to make sacrifices and to apologize when I am at fault. I have grown so much and I've learnt to be a better person with a bigger heart, not only in a relationship but in life as well. But in April, S dropped a bombshell on me. "Will you cheat on me like she did?" Another hurdle to cross, another obstacle to conquer. Trust issues, again. I found myself trying all ways and means to convince S that I am nothing like her (his ex, of course) and despite him denouncing every single one of my explanations and arguments as invalid, I kept trying. Looking back, I shouldn't have. I know my worth and I know, I will never be like her, because this time, it is our second chance. I should never have put myself out there, to be broken down like that.

We've had more than just a few "let's break up" incidents in a short one and a half years together, more contributed by me than I'd like to admit. And today, I realized, I fear commitment. It all began when I started having my own bedroom. I went from having to bid an unwilling goodnight everyday before 2359, to seeing S face every morning the first thing after I wake up and the last thing before I sleep, for almost 6 days a week. I appreciated the closeness at first, but after a month, I started feeling suffocated and I am pretty sure it was the same for S. We were living and fighting like a married couple, over who should cook and do the dishes, what time we should head to bed etc. Dating life stopped and married (well, sort of) life began.

Truth be told, I'm terrified of being so close. I let S in, so easily. I cannot help but question, will he destroy me the way I was destroyed by another. And I know, he will walk away from me as easily as he walked into my life. But underneath the fears, all I needed is consistency. I don't want to wake up one day, realizing that things have changed, S has changed.

I cling to things I love because I never want to lose them. But truth is, everything and everyone comes and goes. I break my own heart, by needing the things and people and that don't need me. I live through the hope that one day, I can have everything I have lost, or will lose. But there's no future in living in the past. I want to be able to look forward to the things and people that may come, or go.

2013 has been a year full of lessons, and through the trials and tribulations that S posed to me, I've amassed a massive amount of knowledge that no one and nothing can teach me. Only I, can find out for myself.

Along the way, I have forgotten to love myself, I put myself out there, making memories, but I have forgotten to love myself. And in 2014, I promise to love myself more, so that I can love S better. Because I no longer wish to be loved childishly. I want to be loved with the strength and charm of maturity. I don't want to be smothered by the fear of jealousy and insecurity. I don't want a relationship based solely on shutting the world out and locking each other in. I want to be somewhere I can breathe, somewhere where even in the midst of a million people and a million heartbeats, I can still look to S and know that I can call him home, because home, is where the heart is.

With this relationship, I know I must earn the love, respect and kindness from S. I should expect that S will walk away, should I not provide the support and understanding he needs. We must both work hard to contribute to the relationship, we must both communicate to understand each other's needs. Above all, we must care. The fundaments of love, understanding, communicating and caring will build trust and a stronger relationship. Paradoxically, our willingness to walk away may strengthen our bond with each other, rather than being chained by obligation to a relationship, a false loyalty. Most of the time, we want everything to be okay. We don't even wish for anything marvelous, fantastic or outstanding. We will happily settle for okay, because okay is enough. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how I planned it to be, but just how it's meant to be.

Thank you, 2013. Here's to a greater 2014.

Love, A