Last night, I innocently picked up your phone, wanting to silent it so it doesn't disturb you from your sleep. But the next thing I saw, left me in a daze for awhile, before I snapped back to reality. A text message said, "Okay, goodnight, love you."
I want to believe that there's nothing going on between you and her. I want to believe that the past month I spent with you were the best days of my life. I want to believe that you would never do anything to hurt me. I want to believe that you know better than to ruin this relationship we painstakingly built.
The next thing I know, the tears just flowed. I got out of bed, knocked gently on C's door and entered. I lay down beside her and I said, "S has been acting weird today. He usually checks his texts even when I am beside him, but today he didn't. And he has 8 messages from 5 conversations. And while we were watching a show, his phone kept beeping. I wanted to silent it just now and I saw a text that said, okay, goodnight, love you." And I continued crying. C didn't know how to react, her first words were, "Who the fuck is this girl?! Did you talk to S? Somehow, I know S isn't doing shit behind your back." All I could manage was a weak "I don't know", before going on to tell her I don't wanna wake you because you have work tomorrow, I can handle this. But no fucking way, I can't. I knew I can't.
I finally dropped you a text, watched a movie alone in the dark and crept back into bed at 6am. After you read my text, you got ready for work, pecked me on the cheek and left. Shortly after, I received your text explaining the text.
I have so many unanswered questions, but I am afraid to ask. Why did you keep something like that from me, knowing it can potentially ruin this relationship? Why did you not tell me the moment you had the chance to, before it got out of hand? Why do you expect me to tell you if something like were to happen to me, but yet you did not?
You answered all of the above questions, yes you did. You claimed you did not want her to come between us, but have you considered how I felt? Did you anticipate this day and put yourself in my shoes and imagine how you'd feel if you had seen a text like that in my phone?
I'll tell you, you'd be so fucking mad at me, no explanations is gonna suffice. Whatever you told me sounds exactly like the way I explain things to you, but no, you still wouldn't listen to me, would you?
There's one question I did not ask, because I was afraid of the answer. If you claimed you did not reply a single one of her messages but they kept coming in, why did you pick up her call in the morning at 7am, after work? That's considered entertaining her, knowing that she is interested in you, isn't it?
I trust that you have not done anything with her, but the very fact that you entertained her, and would never allow me to do something like that, shows the double standards in this relationship. After today, it also made me realise how afraid I am of losing you, because I'd so readily forgive you, but you'd never do the same for me. Blinded? Probably.
This feels like the nightmare of 5 years, of which I forgave and forget, countless times, always putting myself out there for another to hurt me. And look what happened? I experienced a heartbreak I never thought I'd ever get over, and then I found you.
I built this relationship on trust and I've chosen to put this behind me, so don't disappoint me, or it'd be the last you see of me. I will not allow myself to be hurt again, no matter how much I love you.
Love, A
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